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Hello, Duffy's Tavern, where do you lead?
Meet Vitellis, Archie, the manager speaking.
Duffy ain't here.
Oh, hello, Duffy.
Oh, not to note, the letter carrier was just in, delivered a stack of poison pen letters.
Yeah, bills.
Well, so much for the bulk of the mail.
Now for the complaints.
There's a letter here from the Department of Sanitation.
Yeah, they say we'll have to do something about the garbage, Duffy.
Yeah, they claim it ate a hole through the bottom of their truck.
Well, look, I'll call you back.
What else have we got, Eddie?
Well, here's a personal letter to you from the finance company.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, they say if you don't settle up right away, they're gonna throw you in jail.
Oh, yeah?
What else did I say?
I don't know.
I ain't open at you.
Damn finance companies.
When you first go to them, they're as sweet as pie.
Just overlook a couple of years' payments and you find out their real character.
Hey, wait a minute.
Look here.
A letter from the Ritz Carlton.
Hey, who do I know lives at the Ritz Carlton?
Let's see.
Yeah, dear Archie.
I haven't seen you since our old days at PS4, but have often thought about you.
Many a time I think about our old class motto, sick in Hawk Transit Hospice.
What does that mean?
Nothing.
It's Latin.
It was our class code.
It'll be down to see you at the tavern tonight, signed your old classmate, Willie Gundig.
Willie Gundig.
I wonder if I'll recognize him.
It's been such a long time since I was in school.
Yeah, and you were there such a short time.
Willie Gundig.
Hmm.
Living at the Ritz Carlton.
Good friend of yours?
Well, no.
Him and me never hit it off too good, Eddie.
He was always rubbing it in because he got better marks than me.
I happened to know it was because he cheated.
Cheated?
Yeah, he studied.
Living at the Ritz Carlton.
I never could stand that guy.
I always thought he was such a big shot just because his old man owned his own push cart.
I always walked around with his nose in the air like he was smelling something bad.
Hello, Orr.
Hello, Finnegan.
Finnegan, guess who I just got a letter from?
General Smuts?
No.
Well, when I give up.
Look, can you give me a clue?
Well, okay.
He was in PS4 with us and his initials is WG.
George Washington?
Wrong again, Finnegan.
It's Willie Gundig.
Willie Gundig?
You remember him.
Remember, the guy was always being punished for putting the girls' hair in the ink wells,
tying the cans on dogs' tails, putting tacks on the teacher's chair.
Yeah.
Well, Willie Gundig was the guy that always squealed on me.
Oh, that's Willie Gundig.
Yeah, yeah.
The guy at a yearbook said was the most likely to succeed.
Hey, wait a minute.
I wonder if I still got that yearbook here in the safe.
You know, PS8...
PS8...
4?
Yeah, yeah, 4.
Wonderful school.
What memories it brings back.
And with a good old day, that.
Yeah, they don't make days like that no more.
Well, here we are, Finnegan, in our old yearbook.
Hey, look at this picture here.
Remember these guys?
No.
You don't?
No, that was the graduating class.
Yeah, but look at them now.
What a tough bunch of kids that was.
Really tough, huh?
Eddie, we used to eat the apples and bring the teacher to Worms.
Yes, any kid that was in PS4 didn't have a broken nose was either the principal or a
new pupil.
How come the kids are standing around in the shirts these with all that snow on the ground?
Eddie, that ain't snow.
That's teeth.
Tell me something.
Who was the girl on the end with the black eye?
The teacher.
Hey, wait a minute.
There he is.
Who?
That jerk, that Willie Gundy.
I see.
Boy, it says here he was voted the student most likely to succeed.
Yeah.
Well, where's your picture, Miss Archer?
Somewhere there.
It's hardly worth looking for though.
It's a very bad picture.
Hey, wait a minute, Archer.
Here it is on the next page.
Anybody want to see pictures of the girls' volleyball team?
No, we want to see your picture.
Oh, well, here it is.
Miss Archer, your thumb.
What about it?
I'm covering what you was most likely to.
Oh.
Sorry.
What does it tell you, Eddie?
Archer, the man most likely to be a failure.
Must have been a misprint.
I don't know.
Willie Gundy's living that in Ritz-Carlton.
Yeah, you know, I'm just thinking.
I bet you that Willie Gundy himself wrote them most likely to, is there?
He's always jealous of me, you know, because of me and Alice Vanderwater.
Alice Vanderwater?
Yeah, the prettiest girl in the school.
Oh yeah, I remember her, Arch.
The tall, skinny, bow-legged dame with the buck teeth.
Okay, so she was the second prettiest girl in the school.
Yeah.
Oh, funny thing.
I just ran into Alice Vanderwater the other day over on Avenue A.
Oh really, Miss Duffy?
Yeah.
Is she married?
Yeah.
And what's her name?
Elmer Zinsser.
Elmer Zinsser?
Yeah.
And guess what?
They got 15 kids.
15 kids?
Yeah.
But I don't think she's very happy.
Tell me, why?
She says she can't stand Elmer.
Hey, wait a minute.
Aren't these my pictures?
Where?
Oh yeah, yeah.
Finnegan, what was you doing with the debating team?
Arch, what do you think they were debating about?
Hey, wait a minute.
Here's one that brings back old memories though.
The old baseball team, we sure had a great ball team that year, didn't we Finnegan?
Oh boy, Archie.
Look, there's Lefty Shultz, the first baseman.
Yeah, Lefty Ryan, the shortstop.
Lefty McManish, the catcher.
Lefty Shapiro, the center fielder.
Georgie Baker, the third baseman.
Georgie Baker?
How come he wasn't left handed?
He was.
We just ran out of nicknames.
Right away Finnegan, tell Eddie who was the star of that team.
Oh, you tell them, boy.
Well, I don't like to brag.
Oh, come on Lefty, tell me.
Well, Eddie, I'll never forget the day we played PS6 for the Division C Championship.
Get this, Eddie.
Get the drama.
I'm not pitching for PS4, see.
It's the ninth inning, there's two out and the bags is loaded, see.
Up to the plate comes home run Feigenbaum.
The heaviest hitter on PS6.
So I give him a cool look in the eye for a couple of minutes and I start me windup, see.
Eddie, I threw three straight strikes at him.
The guy never got his bat off his shoulder.
I'm telling you, the crowd went nuts.
Strikeout won the game for PS4, huh?
Not exactly.
They, they nosed us out 43 to nothing.
All on account of that Willie Gundig dropping that high fly in the second inning.
The guy most likely to succeed.
There's a lot of other PS4 guys succeeded too.
Oh, watchy, stop bragging.
You know that PS4 turned out nothing but bums.
Oh yeah?
What about Al Peters, for instance?
Who's he?
Only the chief herring salter at the Fulton Fish Market.
And what about Henry Sharp?
Another success?
Merely the head of the Will Call Department of Feinberg's Tiny Tuts Toggery Shop.
And what about Gus Christophilus, the famous television actor?
A famous television actor?
Ain't lost a fall in 15 straight bouts.
And they pick Willie Gundig as the most likely to succeed.
And there's also Joe Moran, the radio announcer.
Hey, wasn't he one of your pals at PS4?
Oh sure, hiya Joe.
Hiya Lefty.
Hey Joe, we were just going over the old yearbook here.
You remember Willie Gundig.
Willie Gundig?
Yeah, whatever happened to him?
He's living at the Ritz Carlton.
Say that's swell.
I'm always glad to hear that one of the old gang made good.
Yeah, me too.
I wonder if Willie knows that I am now a radio announcer.
Well if he don't I'll break it to him gentle.
I'll tell him first that you're dead.
Hey, do you like Joe's picture here in the yearbook?
Yeah, let's see.
Oh yeah, here you are Joe.
What a silly picture.
Look at me with my mouth wide open.
Yeah, even them days you looked like a radio announcer.
Look, why do you guys have to open your mouths anyhow Joe?
What do you mean?
Well people never listen to them commercials.
Why don't you just save your breath and rate them silent for yourself.
But Arch, if people listening heard nothing but silence what would they think?
That radio had at last been perfected.
Oh look Arch, that's silly.
I mean I should just stand there and move my lips.
Why not?
Go ahead, just move your lips and see if I can tell what you're saying.
Well, okay.
Trouché is the different hand lotion?
Right.
It not only keeps hands feeling smoother looking lovely all the time.
Absolutely right.
Wait a minute, you stuttered a bit.
Stuttered a bit?
Oh, what did I do?
He stuttered a bit.
Okay, we both stuttered a bit.
Okay, well what was it you said?
We got to get this thing in here.
All right, you want to know what I said?
What did you say?
All right, Trouché also has a unique beforehand extra that protects hands from chapping.
Okay, try another one.
As long as Trouché is on your hands, they're guarded against painful chapping.
That's right.
Water chapping as well as weather chapping.
Arch, I didn't say that.
Well I didn't want to make you seem like a blabbermouth.
But that's all assigned to the point Joe, tell me something.
Look, when Willy Gunder gets here, what can I do to impress him that I am also a big success?
You could hide.
You know, Arch, you sound like you're sore at Willy Gunder.
Me sore?
Why?
Just because he's living at the Ritz-Carlton, I'm glad he's a success.
Good luck to him.
But don't give him too much credit.
Don't forget success is all in the breaks.
What do you mean it's all in the breaks?
You'll take me nine years ago when I answered Duffy's ad for a busboy.
What about it?
If I had looked two inches to the left, I'd have seen that ad for an expert suspension
bridge engineer.
What?
Why do you know about being a suspension bridge engineer?
Why did I know about being a busboy?
What I say, it's all in the breaks.
Now look, Eddie, when Willy gets here, I want you to bear me out in one little white lie.
Huh?
White lie.
I'm going to tell him I'm a millionaire.
Yeah, then how are you going to explain to him why you're working as a bartender?
I'm eccentric.
Yeah, but them clothes are yours.
How are you going to explain all them spots?
Money stains.
Wait a minute.
Why couldn't I have me stockbroker come in and tell me what a fortune I just made, huh?
Who's going to be the stockbroker?
Well, let me see.
Who could...
Eddie, I know what you're thinking, but who else is there?
Look, Finnegan, when Willy Gunder gets here tonight, I want you to tell him that you're
a big stockbroker from Wall Street, see?
What's Wall Street?
Well, it's sort of an unsocial pyramid club.
Look, if I'm going to be a broker, shouldn't I know something about stocks?
Believe me, you know as much about them as anybody.
But just in case, I'll try to explain to you quickly how the market works here.
You see, the dollar, or as it was originally known as the wampum, was used as barter until
the gold standard came in, see?
Now, this change didn't take place just overnight.
It took many years of civilization for the dollar to get up to as little value as it
has today.
Now, to continue, as you probably know...
Art, let's not take anything for granted.
Okay.
As you probably don't know...
That's better.
All business is based on money, you see?
Now, when you have money, it's called capital.
When you're trying to get it, it's called labor.
This is what they call the Dow Jones averages.
In other words, when you buy stocks and they go up, you get a seat on a stock exchange.
See, but what happens if the stocks go down?
Then you lose your seat.
All right, if you lose your seat, where do you sit?
You sit on a thing called the curb.
Any further questions?
Yeah.
What?
How can I be a stockbroker when I can only count up to 10?
If the stock's the way they are today, you don't have to count any higher.
That is, unless you happen to be Willy Gundick.
Hmm.
He'd probably come rolling down here in a big car.
Wait a minute, a big car.
Eddie, call Mutual 95000.
Who was that, the laughing Lithuanian or the chuckling Czech?
Eddie, quit making up names.
Now, give me the phone.
Hello?
I'd like to talk to Nick, please.
Yes, the giggling Greek.
Hello, Nick?
This is Archie from Duffy's Tavern.
Send over a Cadillac limousine, will you?
The money?
Look, Nick, if I buy the car, you'll get the money.
Okay.
Eddie, I don't think that car will look right standing outside the tavern without a chauffeur.
I said, I don't think the car will look right standing outside the tavern without a chauffeur.
Now, wait, woof.
See, I was hired as a waiter.
You can also be fired as a waiter.
Well?
Will you be needing the car today, sir?
That's better.
I'll show that Willy Gundick.
Good afternoon, sir.
I'm looking for the gentleman who ordered the new limousine.
I am that millionaire.
You?
You see any other millionaires around?
Come on, chauffeur.
Leave us go outside and take a look at the car.
Well, there she is, gentlemen.
A brand new 1949.
Ha!
Take it, Eddie.
Man, with a car like that, I could be the Ali Khan of Harlem.
Just a second, young man.
Looks ain't everything, you know.
A car is like a dame.
It's what's under the hood that counts.
Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to check the motor.
Check the motor?
Look, bud, this is a 1949 Cadillac.
I am not impressed by sales talk.
If you don't mind, I'd like to look over the motor myself.
Okay, if you insist.
Well, let me lift up the hood here.
Yeah, looks like a pretty good motor.
You're looking in the trunk compartment.
But the motor is up at the other end of the car.
Oh, just want to see if you know your business.
Now, tell me, is this the model with the hydrochloride clutch?
The what?
Well, I'll try to put it simply.
What is the horsepower?
It's 160.
On what basis is that computed?
Well, it's figured on the basis of 550 foot pounds in one second or 33,000 foot pounds
in one minute.
I'm afraid you haven't answered my question.
What I'm trying to find out is, does this horsepower have Timken bearings?
I give up.
See Eddie, I got them stumped.
Let's see here.
Yeah, see, they got a new type carburetor.
Bud, that's the horn.
Oh, yes, this is the carburetor over here.
That's the battery.
Oh, wait a minute.
Here's a cute little gadget there.
Hey, what's that thing?
That?
Well, that mixes gasoline with air, the form of vapor that explodes when injected into
the cylinders.
Oh, really?
What do they call it?
The carburetor.
He was doing better than the trunk rack.
You was in there with me, I think.
Look, young man, just leave the car parked here at the curb for a few hours and I'll
think it over.
By the way, what's the price?
$6,000.
Only 12,000 payments and she's yours.
Yeah, it's worth it though, just to burn up that Willy Gundy.
Well, look, young man, as I say, I'll think it over.
Just leave it parked there in front of the tavern for a few hours until I make up my
mind.
Okay, but you don't mind if I take the key, do you?
Not at all.
Just be sure that you leave the price tag on in a prominent place.
What you doing, Mr. Archie?
I'm hanging up some pictures.
I'll show that Willy Gundy.
Look at this autograph here, Eddie.
Let's see.
Sorry, Archie, but I'm marrying for love.
Money isn't everything.
Signed, Rita Hayworth.
Me, the man most likely to be a failure.
Give me another tack, will you?
Yeah, yeah.
I want to hang up this map of the world.
Yeah.
How's that look, Eddie?
Let me see.
To Archie, thanks for the loan signed France, Italy and Great Britain.
And that's the same Archie that was voted the most likely to be a failure.
Wait till that guy gets here.
Between me stockbroker, me chauffeur, me Cadillac and them autographs, I'll have that Willy
Gundy borrowing money from me.
Hey, wait a minute.
This looks like him coming in now.
Willy?
Archie?
Yeah.
You ain't changed a bit.
I wouldn't say that.
So you're Willy Gundy, the man voted most likely to succeed, huh?
That's right, Arch.
You remembered that, huh?
I certainly did.
Archie, tell me, do you remember the time that...
I remember it very well.
Well, it's great to see you again, Arch.
Thank you.
I noticed your letter was wrote on Ritz Carlton Stationery.
Yeah.
That's what I was going to talk to you about.
Don't brag about it.
There's a couple of other guys that are doing okay too.
Did you see that limousine outside?
Yeah.
It's mine.
Well, I'm glad to hear you're doing so well, Arch.
As for me...
Just a second.
Oh, James...
Yes, milord?
Better put the limousine in the garage and get out the convertible.
It's beginning to look like rain.
Okay, pal.
James is me chauffeur, you know.
Oh, a chauffeur, huh?
Yes.
Oh, by the way, James...
Yes, sir?
When I go for my usual drive in the park today, be sure to cover me with me buffalo robe.
And take care to tuck me in with the first side towards me.
Why?
Well, you always keep the first side closest to you, you know.
It's warmer that way.
Uh-huh.
Too bad the buffalo didn't know that.
That'll be all, James.
Now, Willie, enough about my fabulous success.
Tell me about yourself.
Well, I'll tell you, Arch.
That Cadillac, you know, cost $6,000.
Well, it's sure a surprise, Arch.
You know, I always thought you'd end up...
Well, you remember what the yearbook said about you.
Give us in that park at Sleeping Dogs.
Now, where was we?
Oh, yes, you was talking about what a big shot you was.
Well...
Excuse me a minute.
Oh, stockbroker...
Uh, cheap.
Uh, have we heard anything from the secretary of the treasury?
Yeah, he says he wants you to send in your taxes.
The government needs the money.
Oh, how much is me taxes?
Half a million bucks.
Okay, go down to the bank and get...
Wait a minute, forget the bank.
Make it out of petty cash.
Well, Willie, tell me, how are things with you?
Well...
Just a second.
Oh, stockbroker...
Yeah?
What's the latest on the ticker?
The doctor says not to worry.
It's just gas.
My broker was slightly stunned in the crash of 29, you know.
But enough about me and my sensational success.
Tell me about you, Willie.
How are you doing?
Well frankly, Arch, I could use 10 bucks.
Oh, stockbroke.
What did you say, Willie?
I could use 10 bucks.
You mean you're broke?
Yeah.
But how can you be broke and live at the Ritz-Carlton?
I don't live there, I just work there.
That is, until yesterday.
Then why did you write your letter in their stationery just to look like a big shot?
Well, I can explain that, Arch.
Willie, if there's anything I hate, it's a phony.
Arch, don't get sore.
I just thought maybe for old time's sake you could let me have 10 bucks.
It wouldn't mean anything much to a guy like you.
Well, I guess not.
After all, if I can afford a $6,000 Cadillac, I guess 10 bucks ain't gonna break a man
of my means.
Uh, James, find some other means.
You really need the 10, huh, Willie?
I sure could use it.
Okay, kid.
Here you are, here's 10 bucks.
Thanks, Arch.
You're still a great guy.
And if I run into any of the old gang, I'm sure gonna tell them what you did for me.
Please just tell the ones with money.
Well, nice to have seen you again, Willie, sick in Hark Transit Hospice.
So long, Arch.
So long, kid.
Good old Willie.
Nice guy, Eddie.
I always liked him.
Funny thing with that yearbook, though, huh?
What do you mean?
Well, I was the guy voted most likely to be a failure, and here he has to come to me for
a lousy 10 bucks.
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